


a mouthful of blood

by daltonacademyfightclub



Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: F/M, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension, dialogue taken verbatim from shows, someone has to do right by Andrew Martin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 08:45:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6111235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daltonacademyfightclub/pseuds/daltonacademyfightclub
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>when you love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood</i>
</p><p>AU where Test was aware of Triple H and Stephanie being together behind the scenes and was in a fake relationship with Stephanie from the beginning... still in love with her, though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a mouthful of blood

At first, the whole thing was funny. Or at least Test thought so.

He loved wrestling just as much as he liked the idea of metaphorically sticking it to the man, so when Mankind (was he allowed to call him Mick? Would the guy even _respond_ to being called Mick?) approached him backstage fresh out of being the Corporate Ministry’s main bodyguard and told him that he could do both, Test figured why the hell not? So long as he didn’t piss off Mr. McMahon so much (and if so, he could always get his position with the Crüe back), it would probably be fun.

He sat in on planning meetings backstage, Mankind straddling a steel beam as Ken Shamrock and Big Show pored over ideas on how to do things, when, and with what. It was Mankind - of _course_ \- who suggested the two-by-fours.

“It’ll remind people of Hacksaw, but better yet, we’ll swing ‘em at ‘em,” the shaggy-haired lunatic explained, saying much more with his hands rather than his leather-surrounded mouth. “Someone comes into the ring to mess with us, we beat their asses to a bloody pulp.”

“I like the sound of that,” Shamrock replied, baring his teeth threateningly. “I’ll start with those Acolytes myself.”

“Show, you could take Viscera, and Test, you against Boss Man? How ‘bout it?” All three men turned to look at him expectantly.

Test wilted slightly with so many eyes on him, casting his eyes on the sheet of scratch paper on which Mankind was hastily drawing up a manifesto. He preferred to be seen, not heard. Usually that was intimidating enough for people to leave him alone. “Uh, yeah. Sure.” He didn’t exactly _want_ to go up against his old Corporate colleague, but it was a pretty fair fight and at the end of the day, it would probably make for some interesting spots. “Boss Man it is.”

He felt the huge hand of Big Show clap him on the back, lurching him forward slightly. “Good man,” Mankind replied, pointing his pencil with the eraser chewed off straight at Test’s face. “That’s the kind of teamwork The Union needs.”

The Union, also known as U.P.Y.O.U.R.S. (supposedly “Union of People You OUghtta Respect, Son”), was supposed to be a surprise only the four of them knew about prior to the next Monday’s Raw, but a certain McMahon approached him backstage Sunday night after Heat to ask him what was up.

That certain McMahon was Stephanie.

“I heard you, Ken Shamrock, The Big Show, and Mankind were going to try and hijack Raw tomorrow night,” she began, cutting straight to the point. “Are you four a team now?”

“Something like that,” he admitted, trying to look her in the eye and getting lost there. As terrible as it sounded, Test could see why The Undertaker would want her to be his bride, even under those awful circumstances. Stephanie was extremely pretty, even more surprisingly given who her father was. Those big brown eyes of hers weren’t boring in the least, though he’d heard he bemoan her bad luck in having them to some of the girls backstage before, and her lips… there wasn’t much he _wouldn’t_ do to kiss them at that very moment.

“Who told you?”

“Shamrock’s not very subtle,” Stephanie replied, smiling sweetly and making him smile back in return. “He’s very excited for whatever is going on to happen.”

“I bet,” Test mumbled, remembering how Shamrock couldn’t shut up about getting his around Bradshaw’s meaty neck.

“Which is why I want you to do me a favor, Andrew.” The use of his first name startled him back into the present. “When you’re making your demands to the Corporate Ministry, I want you to demand _me_.”

Test’s mouth went dry. “You want me to _what_?”

“If my brother or The Undertaker lets you make requests, I want you to request to go out with me.”

It took until June seventh, a whole month and four days later, but Test finally got to make his request. Show wanted to go one-on-one with The Undertaker. Shamrock wanted Mr. McMahon in the lion’s den.

“Well, for me, there’s only one person I want here with me in this ring tonight,” he began once Michael Cole’s microphone was in his face. “Stephanie McMahon, will you come down here please?”

The crowd murmured in surprise, not sure what was going on as Stephanie came down the ramp, a knowing look in her eye as she made her way to the ring. Show and Shamrock immediately pulled him aside for a second, Shamrock smirking and saying “Test, you _dog_ ” before he went to let the object of his supposed affection through the ropes.

“Stephanie, believe me: we all know it’s been a rough couple of months,” he continued, watching her smile patiently at him, anticipating what was to come. “And I know ol’ Vin-o and Shane-o might not like you datin’ a wrestler…”

 _That_ caught the crowd’s attention. “But that’s just something they’re gonna have to get over, because Stephanie -” the crowd roared as he took off his glasses and got down on one knee, taking her hand in his - “will you do me the honor of going out with me on a date?”

“I’d love to,” Stephanie replied, those beautiful brown eyes shining back at him. In that moment, Test had no idea what he’d gotten himself into… only that he was given what he thought would be the opportunity of a lifetime.

* * *

“Thank you so much for doing this for me,” Stephanie whispered in his ear as the two of them made their way backstage once more, Test’s arm curled around her waist lightly. “This is the best thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

“What, ask you out on a date?” Sure, Vince McMahon could be protective to a fault of his daughter, but he doubted that he was the first person to ever ask Stephanie out on a date.

Stephanie laughed, her voice sounding like little bells. “No, silly. You’re covering for me and Hunter.”

The floor fell out from underneath Test’s feet. “W-what?” Stephanie’s innocent expression didn’t change at all as Test stopped them in the middle of the hallway, pulling her to the side to whisper. “You didn’t really want me to ask you out on a date?”

“I need to have a decoy boyfriend for my real one,” Stephanie explained in the same hushed tone. “I’m sure you understand.”

“I’m sure I _don’t_.” He watched as Stephanie rolled her eyes and pulled him into a nearby dressing room, checking the hallway for eavesdropped before closing and locking the door behind her.

“I asked you to do this because you seemed sweet and that you liked me,” she began, crossing her arms over her chest. “I can’t have my father or Shane finding out that I’m seeing Hunter until the time is right for them to know.”

“And when’s the right time supposed to be?” This was a lot of information to take in at once - he didn’t like the idea of being used, but he did want to spend time with Stephanie somehow. Maybe this was just a starting point for the two of them. “I don’t want to live a lie forever, Stephanie.”

She looked away. “I’m not asking you to. I’m asking you to help me prove to my dad that I’m _not_ going to be a pawn in his business games with the WWF.”

That made sense, at least. Test couldn’t help but laugh a little out loud - he started out with this opportunity because he wanted to be rebellious, and now he’s helping someone else with their own personal rebellion.

Stephanie frowned at that. “Are you laughing at me?” she asked him, her voice dripping with hurt. “Are you really laughing at me, after all I’ve been through - after all _my own father and brother_ put me through for _nothing?_ ”

He sombered up quickly, shaking his head no. “I’m not laughing _at_ you… I’m laughing with you,” he fudged, hoping that he sounded convincing enough for his new fake girlfriend. “I can only imagine the look on your dad’s face when you tell him that you were - that you were seeing Hunter Hearst Helmsley all along.” He forced himself to grin. “It’ll blow his mind.”

That must have been good enough for Stephanie, because she grinned back mischievously. “It will, won’t it? I mean, what does he expect out of me? I’m a McMahon, dammit; I refuse to be a victim.”

She walked to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, putting her head against the side of his chest like she hadn’t just told him that his whole life was going to be a lie until further notice. “We’ll act just like a normal couple would: I’ll come out with you to ringside, we’ll go on real dates - with cameras to capture it, of course - and just generally act like we’re in love. Are you alright with that?” Stephanie looked up at him, and for some reason, Test found those brown eyes just a bit less beautiful now.

“Of course,” he replied, putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her in for a quick squeeze. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”

Stephanie beamed up at him and let go, heading back to the door. “Excellent. Thank you _so_ much again, Andrew,” she said, unlocking and opening up the door. “I’ll see you again soon.”

“Wait, where are you going?” he heard himself ask out loud. “Where are you headed?”

“I have to go check on Hunter, silly,” she replied as if it was obvious. Stephanie smiled again and blew him a kiss. “I’ll see you soon, loverboy.”

With that, Stephanie left the dressing room and him standing there, dumbstruck. This was a lot to process in ten minutes, and to find out that he was going to have to _share_ Stephanie McMahon with Triple H of all people, well… that was a little disheartening to say the least.

 _He’ll chew her up and spit her out,_ a voice in his head assured him. There were plenty of guys back up in Ontario just like Triple H, and every relationship with them was the same. _She’s too good for him, and when he breaks her heart? You’ll be right there to make it all better._

It was just a matter of when that was going to happen.

* * *

Weeks passed, and according to Steph, Test was the best decoy boyfriend that a girl could ask for.

“You’re so loving and, like, committed,” she told him one day as the two of them sat backstage in the dressing room that Mr. McMahon and his wife had designated for just the two of them. “No one would think that we weren’t together.”

“That’s the attitude I’m trying to give off,” he replied, leaning over to nip her earlobe in a way that Test knew would make her squeal.

“Andrew!” Steph was the only person to use his real name backstage, and it was a nice thing to have between the two of them. Hunter couldn’t have a private name with her, since his name was already out there. It felt good to be reminded that there were things that he had over Stephanie’s other boyfriend just by virtue of being out in public with her.

By the end of August, it was apparent that Stephanie wanted their relationship to progress further. “We should get engaged,” she said out of the blue one day as Test was getting ready for his match against Big Boss Man. “That would really make everything look official. Plus it would make Mom’s day to plan a whole wedding for me… Andrew, are you listening?”

“Yeah, and I can’t believe my ears,” he replied as he looked into the mirror back at his girlfriend. (Real or not, she was his somehow.) “You want me to go out and buy you a ring tomorrow? I can buy you a ring tomorrow, you tell me if you like it, and then it’ll be official.”

Stephanie hummed, thinking about it. “Actually, I’ll have you do that,” she began, turning on her heel to start pacing the length of their dressing room. “But you won’t propose to me off-camera or backstage, no. That’s not big enough.”

“Well, damn, Stephanie,” he countered, turning around to face her directly. “You want me to propose to you on Smackdown Friday night?”

Stephanie’s face lit up. “That’s a great idea!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around him and hugging him tight. “Then everyone can see.”

Everyone did see as Stephanie nearly tearfully said yes and Shane ran down to the ring outraged. Test couldn’t be mad, though - it meant he got a “Love Her or Leave Her” match at Summerslam the following month. At least that’s what Stephanie thought.

“You can take Shane,” she assured him, rubbing his forearm comfortingly as Stephanie’s mother, Linda, argued with Mr. McMahon about letting Shane come down to the ring in the first place. “He’s all bark and no bite.”

“Was it all bark when they had your belongings rifled through and your teddy bear set on fire?” he asked, knowing he was hitting a sore spot.

Steph frowned and stopped stroking his arm. “Don’t be like that, Andrew.” She got up abruptly, heading to the door and making everyone’s eyes in the room turn to her.

“Stephanie, dear, where are you going?” Linda asked, keeping her tone more controlled with her daughter as opposed to how she was browbeating her husband moments before.

“I’m going out to think… alone,” Stephanie answered before slipping out without another word. Mr. McMahon and Linda’s gaze turned then to Test, who shrugged.

“She said she wanted to be alone,” he lied, knowing very well what dressing room his girlfriend was going to flounce off to to flaunt her new engagement ring in. “I figured I’d give her some space.”

“It’s probably too much for her to take in at one time, Andrew,” Linda replied, putting a hand on his shoulder and smiling. “She’ll come around soon enough, and we’ll start planning the wedding.”

At this point, Test wasn’t even sure that he _cared_ anymore.

* * *

The plan got more and more convoluted as time went on, and Test saw less and less of Stephanie as well. The wedding date was set for early November on Smackdown (Stephanie’s insistence) at first, but that was before Steph wanted to buy herself a few weeks’ time to really solidify whatever her plan was with Hunter and had Davey Boy Smith bash her over the head backstage while they were in his native England.

“So the plan is that I’m going to have amnesia,” Stephanie told him as he held her backstage - now more out of image than interest - “and we’ll set the wedding back and have it on a Raw instead.” She shrugged in his arms. “More viewers anyway.”

Test swallowed and nodded. Even though Stephanie had assured him that the two of them were not getting married and he himself had mostly given up on the thought by this point as well, he really had enjoyed planning this wedding with Stephanie, her parents, and later on, Shane. If he had only been fortunate enough to be born Triple H, maybe they would have gone through with the ceremony.

“I’m just happy you’re happy,” he replied dutifully, watching as his pseudo-fianceé beamed up at him, leaning up for a kiss.

“You’re so sweet, Andrew,” Stephanie said softly after they broke away, keeping her eyes on him. “Doing all this for me… you’re too good for me.”

“Aw, now I wouldn’t say _that_.” _Except for the fact that if I’m too good, Hunter’s all the way on the other side at awful,_ the same voice in his head from months before added afterwards. How Steph was going to convince her parents to give their blessing to her marrying Hunter, he didn’t know. But then again, that wasn’t his business. By the time that mattered, Test would be long gone, likely floundering in the midcard like before. Some things never changed.

Finally the day of the wedding came. Test’s bachelor party was pretty pathetic, if only because he didn’t want his friends to do much for him when he knew it was going to all go to shit in a matter of minutes. He had no idea what was to come during the ceremony or how Stephanie was celebrating what was assumed to be her last night of unmarried bliss, but he was sure he’d hear all about it later just before Raw was set to air. Steph, for all she had said about Shamrock months ago, was actually pretty bad at running off at the mouth.

“It’s going to be _crazy_ ,” was all Stephanie had told him beforehand, and when Test watched it all unfold before his very eyes, he had to agree that ‘crazy’ was one way to describe it.

For some reason, he was more furious at Hunter than he was with Steph. All this hard work that the McMahons did, getting everyone together, making sure money was never an issue for their little girl, only to have some scumbag in a stupid hat piss it all away on Stephanie being drugged up and dragged to the chapel.

“I-promise-to-love-you.” Test was nearly physically ill at how disrespectful this whole thing was. If he really did love Stephanie, Hunter could at least _try_ to care during their vows. Next to him, he could see out of the corner of his eye that Vince McMahon was the color of a ripe tomato. Shit was about to go down.

When Hunter reared his ugly face once more at the top of the ramp after the video ended, Test had to restrain himself from running right up there and punching it. Stephanie was good at acting distraught, sobbing into her beautiful white gown and telling her parents “I don’t remember a thing! I don’t remember anything!”

“Now, Vince, as a member of the immediate family, I know that you can only have one question on your mind… _Dad!_ ”

 _Oh, god._ Test cringed. _Please don’t go_ there _, man. Don’t do Stephanie like this. Not in front of everyone -_

“And that is, not did we, but _how many times did we consummate the marriage!_ ”

He snapped. Sure, Stephanie might have agreed to this whole chain of events, for her new husband that was decidedly _not_ Test to go out and grandstand to stick it to her father, but to say that in front of God and everybody? She was supposed to be _drugged_. Hunter was basically throwing it in Vince’s face how many times he supposedly raped her daughter.

He cleared the ropes with a single bound before charging back up the ramp after Hunter disappeared back between the velvet curtains.

“HUNTER!” he bellowed, watching as the man in question turned around to see who was a calling him, that same smug grin on his face. “GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW!”

“What, you gonna hit me in that nice suit of yours?” Hunter asked, not even fazed when Test grabbed him by the front of his shirt, dragging him closer. Stephanie had told him from the get-go that Test knew what was going on. “Get blood all over that rented tux -”

“You didn’t have to go there,” he growled, his voice deadly low. “You _should not_ have gone there.”

“S’all to make Vinny Mac mad, man,” Hunter replied, pulling himself free from Test’s grip and walking backwards in the direction he had started in. “Thanks for bein’ a pal.”

He could still hear the chaos out in the ring area as the crowd jeered at Stephanie for something they didn’t know she had orchestrated for months, in support of Triple H whose plan had just been to fuck things up further, and laughter at the state of Mr. McMahon, who Test was positive was about to set the entire building on fire if he didn’t get some answers soon enough.

Test swallowed, contemplating going back out there before heading in the direction of his dressing room. The guys would be in there soon enough, offering their condolences for something they didn’t know he’d anticipated for months.

“You’re too good, Andrew,” he told himself as he tugged his bow tie loose from around his neck. “You’re just too damn good.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title and summary come from Fruit Bats' "When Ü Love Somebody".
> 
> For historical reference, you can follow along with the storyline with Raw 315 starting this fic (Test asking Stephanie out), Smackdown 01 (proposal), and Raw 340 ( _Wedding Crashers_ a la Helmsley), all on the WWE Network. All in-ring show dialogue was taken verbatim from these episodes.


End file.
